Top 10 Things That Annoy Me

10. In making  a left turn out of the subdivision, you find it necessary to have a six minute window of opportunity  between the east and west bound cars to safely execute your turn. Take a chance, lady. Life doesn’t last forever.

 9. I have to wait for five minutes while you  back out of  your parking stall at 5:00 A.M. BECAUSE you are on the cell phone, fumbling with your coffee mug, applying eye liner and picking your nose all at the same time.

8. First of all, you have 37 items on the conveyer belt in the 20 items or less express lane at the supermarket. Then you flirt with the 18 year old blonde clerk, who is 50 years younger than you. You look so suave and sophisticated in your seer-sucker shorts, madras muscle shirt, black knee-length socks and sandals as your belly hangs over your belt and  nose hairs hang down past your upper lip. I must commend you, though, on the fine job you  have done combing back those hairs  growing out of your ears.

7.Your significant other sends you a text for which you must purchase  some ludicrous application in order to view it. You find that you have spent $1.99 in data charges to learn that you got the old heave-ho.

6. The managing partner of a boutique law firm  stops in for breakfast. He orders simple bacon and eggs.  It turns into the trial of the century  finding out how he wants his eggs “cooked.”

5. The weather forecaster predicts a 50% chance of rain. Is that a 50-50 chance of rain? It will rain or it won’t?

4. You see a great price for gas at the local station . You stop to refill, but the pump is disabled. Then you hear over the loudspeaker, “One moment please, while we reset the computers.” The gas price jumps 10 cents per gallon.

3. Your spouse calls you at work with a “good news; bad news” scenario. The good news, the rabbit died. Bad news is that the cause of death was a STD.

2. The price of a haircut as increased  dramatically, while the quantity of hair to be cut has decrease drastically.

And the number 1 annoyance;

In a low, sultry, sexy voice, she whispers in your ear, “I’ll do anything to please you. Just tell me.” So, you say, “How about…?” Her reply, “No, I can’t do that.”  So, you say, “Well, how about…?” “Nope, out of the question.”  Soon, 100 out of the 101 Ways has turned up negative.

Will You Hate Me When I Die

I am not preoccupied with the thought of death.  Immortality is exclusively within the realm of the ancient mythological gods and vampires and not the mortal man , such as I.  Thus, from time to time, the dormant thought  of  my eminent demise springs to life - no pun intended.

As a child, I ambled along a path fraught with measles, mumps, chicken pox, rubella, polio scares, pertussis, tetanus, diphtheria and other childhood diseases that were eventually eradicated. While in the military, I was inoculated to  prevent yellow fever, plague, small pox and other garden variety diseases that ran rampant in the more exotic parts of the world. Of course, you always wondered in the back of your mind whether or not the vaccines actually worked or would produce some everlasting side effects . Might these laboratory creations  cause me to crave the taste of human flesh? Was I doomed to be a walking , talking test tube?

My first surgery was at the age of eight and performed in the nick of time as a burst appendix in that day and age was  akin to a death sentence. I have gone under the knife - or scope - numerous times since and with each the quantity of anesthesia required to still me has grown  and the sleep  deepened.  If in fact the number of incidences of  being anesthetized is not a physiological problem, it still has a psychological effect.

Then there  is the physical damage that my body has sustained  throughout the years. I have been whacked in the head by baseball bats, canes and heavy,  ornamentally - adorned umbrella handles. I once ran into a tackling dummy's solid - steel block  without a helmet. I have crashed to  the concrete, head first, from atop fire plugs, trash cans and  bicycles. I  chipped a tooth in one fall and had another tooth fractured once by an errant flying wallpaper paste brush. Arthritis plays a  major role in my life from a fractured jaw, hand and a few fingers. The twice broken nose and the right great toe brought down the house with laughter. Dog bites were common place and I can still remember that little Chihuahua  gripping my right ankle tightly in its razor sharp little teeth,  as I shook and shook  in a desperate attempt to free myself. I have a few scars on my body as the result of violent acts. Could have been worse. I temporarily blinded myself in one eye in a freak home improvement accident. I was temporarily blinded in both eyes in a foreign country where I was non-existent - according to the  government.

I try new diets designed  for a healthy body. After two weeks, tops, I am back to the artery clogging  pizza, butter, cheese and fried chicken. Copious amounts of beer, along with other addictions,  surely take a toll.

Relationships haven’t helped the psyche. I dare say I have not been blameless in the death of a few.

All things in life are relative. Many would say that I should be thankful that I’m not missing a leg or arm or both like some returning Vet.  So. I ask you, do you think the same thought when you have a  searing migraine? How about when you are miserable with the flu? When your baby is sick?

Every day I see  where someone younger than me has died. Someone whose body, racked with some ailment, has given out. I also see those who live well into their  80s and 90s, but for the most part they had a relatively cushy life and the money to sustain them. Haves v. have nots.

No, this isn’t my attempt at a pity party. Just looking for an answer to a simple question.  Based upon my history, one day my body will, suddenly, either explode or implode. That doesn’t matter.  Its inevitable. But,  will you hate me when I die?